Disclaimer: I do not condone being in a situation that requires you to follow the advice of this blurb. And I hope that you will always do the right thing in the case, god forbid, you find yourself in this scenario.

 

NYC, the Big Apple, is known for many things, compassion isn’t one of them. Mind your damn business is big on that list. Some of Gotham’s Do’s & Don’ts: avoiding eye contact on the subway and streets, continuing to walk no matter what’s going on around you, and never engaging with people doing crazy shit in public, i.e., urinating, soliciting Jesus, talking to themselves or worse, multiple selves.

 

But compassion is one thing, and hiding a dead body is another; while researching the subject, I found that the primary and obvious qualification for this shady list is that the location should be very isolated or extremely public.

 

So, while not perfect, here are my top places I’d hide a body if I had too:

 

  • Lincoln Plaza Cinema – Mostly known for its golden age, mostly Jewish patrons, and the only place in town serving homemade carrot cake and bagels with lox and cream cheese in its concession stand. The theatre also employs the oldest ushers and security guards in the business. You can ‘Weekend at Bernie’s‘ it, and no one will notice for a good few days, giving you a chance to get that plastic surgery, buy speedos and permanently move to Aruba.

 

 

  • Chinatown – Let’s be honest you can pretty much dump anything there- especially your dignity- and it will go unnoticed for weeks. But, since you’re down there, going full incognito with brand new Guchi sunglasses, Sefora makeup, Nu Era hat, a Roll-x watch, Supreem box logo tee, and Djordan sneakers that won’t break the bank. And, you’re just a few minutes away from the Drunken Dumpling– because nothing makes “I fucked up, and I will carry that guilt for the rest of my adult life” feel better than soup dumplings.

 

 

  • The L train – Ok, so this is a no brainer. I know. Even before mentioning the inevitable 15 months planned shutdown we are all aware of, two ultimate facts make the L a perfect body-hiding haven: 1. It never runs on schedule – especially on weekends and 2. it’s filled with people whose uninterested disposition is notorious for not giving a literal fuck about anything but whatever they care about this week. (unless it’s a small thing in some remote area, that no one else knows or cares about and involves making their own butter).

 

 

  • A vegan restaurant in the Bronx – The Bronx is number 62 out of 62 counties in NYS with regard to health concerns; a distinct representation of its socio-economical status reflected via food choices and health education. Fried plantains and refried beans don’t constitute as veggies, and iceberg lettuce is closer to toilet tissue then greens. There are approximately ten vegan places for a population of 1.5 million, serving tourists and gentrifiers while being yelled at by local bloggers. So leave that pale, rigid corpse seated, no one is gonna know the difference.

 

 

  • Staten Island body– We are talking about the entire Borough of Staten Island as a ‘shit, what do I do with this body – I think I am gonna dump it in Staten Island’ situation. As far as we know, there is no better place to hide a body than right under the nose of a community of cops and gangster wannabes?!  But, if I had to choose one spot it would be a tough choice between these morbid God-forsaken shitholes: the New York City Farm Colony, The Tugboat Graveyard or The West Brighton Houses. Yikes.

 

So, there, this are my top 5 places (for now)  What other places can you think of? Let me know. Use #hideabodynyc

More in the series: The Knicks Trophy Cabinet, Every Council Member’s Office, A bank in East NY

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